My wife and I have been having some marital problems lately. She feels that I am not showing her enough affection and love. My defense was I was always making sure that the cleaning and housework was done before she arrived home from work so that she would not have to worry about it after working a long 10 hour day at work. Then I realized that I was going about it in a way that she didn't recognize that I was showing her love in doing this. So, lately I have been trying to tell her how much I love her and want to work things out because she felt that we weren't getting anywhere in our marriage and was considering leaving. We have been talking about a lot of things lately and at first I felt like she was pushing me away until last night when she told me that she loved me for the first time in quite a while. That made me feel great, but, and this is big, she receives numerous text messages on her phone and this was nothing uncommon for her but all of a sudden all of these messages were a secret. Its not that I didn't know who the messages were coming from it was the fact that I felt she was hiding something from me. So this morning I woke up early and looked at the messages on her phone. This was unable to happen in the past because any other time I looked the inbox and outbox would be empty. Now I realized that this was wrong because I was snooping but it just didn't make any since she had never hidden anything from me before. Also I did this while she was sleeping cause I figured this was the only time to look. Anyway when I looked at the messages on the phone not to my surprise there were several messages. When I read the messages I felt deeply hurt cause it sounded to me like this person was trying to move in on my wife. So out of anger I woke her up and began to question her, which I also figured out was the wrong thing to do. Long story short we got into an argument about this and in the end I realized that everything was harmless and I had interpreted it all wrong. Now I am in quite a pickle. Just when we start to make progress I questioned my trust for my wife and before she left for work this morning she asked me how we were going to fix me questioning my trust. To my dismay I had no answer for her. Now not only is she hurt from past issues here is a nothier one that we must try to work through. The only problem is I don't know where to start.
Last edited by trevorlawrence on Tue Feb 02, 2010 8:12 am; edited 1 time in total
Thu Jan 28, 2010 1:26 pm
AmbitiousPrncess
Joined
04 Sep 2006
Posts
6467
Location
Just anutha day in the life of the got@#$^ boss........
Bank
4294967295
Bones
15361.04 Bones
umm......
_________________
Thu Jan 28, 2010 1:59 pm
Rock Star
Joined
16 Nov 2004
Posts
14553
Bank
0
Bones
48469.44 Bones
Do you work?
_________________ Fall back, take two of these and walk it out. You’ll thank me in the morning.
Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:01 pm
delta84
Joined
21 Nov 2002
Posts
27754
Location
high school hell
Bank
4294967295
Bones
27286.41 Bones
TL,
Trust is a big thing....it is hard to regain when it has been breached because many people give it so easily in relationships....but not impossible.
Long and short, if you two are serious about making it work, then you will need to involve a 3rd party. Because you both need to get to the root of the problems: When did she begin feeling like you didn't love her? Why didn't you pick up on her feelings? Do you two communicate, openly? What does she want from the relationship? What do you want from the relationship? And host of other questions that are not being addressed because they're not being expressed.
My wife and I have been having some marital problems lately. She feels that I am not showing her enough affection and love. My defense was I was always making sure that the cleaning and housework was done before she arrived home from work so that she would not have to worry about it after working a long 10 hour day at work. Then I realized that I was going about it in a way that she didn't recognize that I was showing her love in doing this. So, lately I have been trying to tell her how much I love her and want to work things out because she felt that we weren't getting anywhere in our marriage and was considering leaving. We have been talking about a lot of things lately and at first I felt like she was pushing me away until last night when she told me that she loved me for the first time in quite a while. That made me feel great, but, and this is big, she receives numerous text messages on her phone and this was nothing uncommon for her but all of a sudden all of these messages were a secret. Its not that I didn't know who the messages were coming from it was the fact that I felt she was hiding something from me. So this morning I woke up early and looked at the messages on her phone. This was unable to happen in the past because any other time I looked the inbox and outbox would be empty. Now I realized that this was wrong because I was snooping but it just didn't make any since she had never hidden anything from me before. Also I did this while she was sleeping cause I figured this was the only time to look. Anyway when I looked at the messages on the phone not to my surprise there were several messages. When I read the messages I felt deeply hurt cause it sounded to me like this person was trying to move in on my wife. So out of anger I woke her up and began to question her, which I also figured out was the wrong thing to do. Long story short we got into an argument about this and in the end I realized that everything was harmless and I had interpreted it all wrong. Now I am in quite a pickle. Just when we start to make progress I questioned my trust for my wife and before she left for work this morning she asked me how we were going to fix me questioning my trust. To my dismay I had no answer for her. Now not only is she hurt from past issues here is a nothier one that we must try to work through. The only problem is I don't know where to start.
Start there. The rest is unnecessary. You're so concerned about betraying her trust. Well...you should be. But what you should be more concerned about is what led you to it. You're insecure and don't step up in ways SHE'S TOLD YOU SHE NEEDS YOU TO. Now you're worried about the possibility that someone else is...and in response, you're reacting in ways that make you appear that much weaker and insecure.
Look...if you're worried about somebody coming in through the back door, please...before you upgrade the alarm, before you buy a gun, before you take defense classes, before you create a neighborhood watch...just try LOCKING the mufugga. Trust me, you'll sleep much better.
_________________ The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge. - Elbert Hubbard
Fri Jan 29, 2010 6:01 am
delta84
Joined
21 Nov 2002
Posts
27754
Location
high school hell
Bank
4294967295
Bones
27286.41 Bones
In the defense of a lot of men, MHC, unless it gets mapped out the way she wants him to step up, he'll do things like TL, clean up so she won't have to do it. To him that was showing he cared about her. Now if he didn't ask for specifics, then the communication between the two of them needs to be fixed too. Both sides need fixing. Some people feel they shouldn't have to tell you what to do to make them feel loved, but love is based one everyone's past experience with it. If you come from a family where PDA was the norm, then you'll do those things with your wife. If you come from a family where everything was kept hush, then you'll do that with your family.
We're not mind readers, and truthfully we shouldn't have to be. Yes, we all want to be romanced, some more than others, but unless the other person knows how to do that on his/her own, you might just have to tell him/her what you want. Yes, it will make you feel like it's being done because you gave specifics, or that the person is only doing it because you asked, when in fact they are doing it because you asked, but more so because they CARE about you to give you what you want. They'll eventually "get it" but some will need a pre-programmed compass first.
I agree with the back door analogy, but the only way to effectively lock it, is to communicate about why it's open/broken/jimmied. And I mean BOTH parties talk and listen, which is why a 3rd party might be the best course of action right now. An objective ear to hear both sides and help both parties fix this thing.
I'm not discounting the need for communication, but when it comes to "affection and love", what's the problem with starting with the basics and going from there? If somebody is not NOTICING what you're doing for them, then it's NOT what they are looking for you to do. Instead of spinning your wheels continuing with the same thing, ASK.
That's where the communications phase begins.
_________________ The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge. - Elbert Hubbard
Fri Jan 29, 2010 1:24 pm
delta84
Joined
21 Nov 2002
Posts
27754
Location
high school hell
Bank
4294967295
Bones
27286.41 Bones
MrHardcandy wrote:
OH...you an old pro at this now, huh??
I'm not discounting the need for communication, but when it comes to "affection and love", what's the problem with starting with the basics and going from there? If somebody is not NOTICING what you're doing for them, then it's NOT what they are looking for you to do. Instead of spinning your wheels continuing with the same thing, ASK.
That's where the communications phase begins.
Grrrr... With age comes wisdom...but I've been a communicator all my life, as you know by our numerous phone conversations
Anyway, I agree, if what you're doing is not being noticed as your outward show of affection, then ask the person. But like I wrote earlier, what happens is we don't want to tell them because it will feel like they're actions are contrived and not genuine. No one wants to be treated like a chore and having to tell the person what you want tends to tip the scales in that direction. However, we're not Houdini either, so please tell me what I can do to make you feel loved, AND I need you to try to understand that my frame of reference is skewed by my previous experiences, but NOTICE I'm willing to work past me to help us.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
With age comes wisdom...but I've been a communicator all my life, as you know by our 