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A Year In Class Warfare
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shadow777



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A Year In Class Warfare With Fancy Kristen

I nearly didnít realize it, but 2017 will be over soon. Itís amazing how fast time passes when youíre thumbing through munitions catalogs after coming Ďround from a coke-nap. Iím a little dehydrated right now, waiting on the help to bring the bubbly, but youíve caught me at a time when Iím feeling thoughtful.

I flourished in 2017; indeed, my approach to creative tax savings made Apple look like Opel in comparison. But, as the year draws to a close, I would like to bequeath some advice to my fellow one percent of the one percent of the one percent of the one percent, and some of you aspiring peasants as well, bless your little hearts.

Iíll let you in on a little secret: itís actually hard being rich. These days, you just have to be born in the right place at the right time and bam, automatic wealth. Donít even have to work for it. Itís that easy. And with a global population of billions to compete with and infectious diseases like the Black Plague more or less eradicated, chances are uncomfortably high that there are more rich people now than ever before.

And if thereís one thing the rich (read: me) fear more than anything else, itís being lumped into the same shitty group as the commoners. The unwashed and unworthy. We are special! Iíve never seen a coupon in my life. Economy class is for animals, right? And how am I supposed to hunt human beings on an island that doesnít belong to me? There might be laws there. Unacceptable.

So, without further ado, here are my top tips for 2018, if you want to keep the wealth gap so wide that youíd need a private submarine to traverse it.

Do Buy Lots Of Yachts
Buying a yacht isnít just buying a new mode of transportation; itís a power move. With a yacht, you are not only giving yourself a luxurious and relaxing abode on the water, you are also opening yourself up to all kinds of new and exotic real estate. Private islands and shit. You know, for the manhunting.

These are places unreachable by car and, therefore, the poor people. Remote places where you canít build a runway so something as large as a commercial airplane (sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) can land.

Since yacht companies are a bunch of thirsty motherfuckers, they will do whatever you tell them to. Do you hear that? Whatever. You. Tell. Them. To.

Want the inside upholstered in some animal hide that you havenít see anywhere else? Sure! My personal recommendation? Pull up the endangered species list. Start there.

This past year alone, Iíve dealt with yachts from Lexus, Mercedes-AMG, Porsche and Rolls-Royce.

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I Have A Lexus Yacht And You Donít, You Poors
Hello, poors. Itís me again, the wealthier and more successful version of you.

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And, no, I donít want to talk about the Bugatti yacht. Thatís my white whale. Just because my staff has staff doesnít mean I donít have feelings.

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I'm Too Poor For The Bugatti Chiron Yacht
I never thought I would say this.

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Do Go On Vacation
Every once in a while, itís important to take a vacation. Regular people with jobs (sorry, I just nearly vomited again) use vacations as time away from something called ďthe officeĒ and a chance to unwind. For me, itís more of an opportunity to stake out a place and decide whether I want to buy it out or not.

So far, Iíve pretty much decided that Europe, as a whole, blows. Especially France. So they think that because theyíve shrugged off the feudal system that theyíre all of a sudden epicenters of culture and art? Societies worth aspiring to? Give me a fucking break.

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I Have Returned From Europe
Hello my darlings. I have returned after a fortnight of gallivanting around the Northern Hemisphere Ö

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Fuck France
I usually donít trouble myself with the legislative affairs of whatever puny country I happen to be Ö

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Governments have never been particular helpful or useful to me, which is why I reject the notion of them completely. Iíve always believed that gasoline, gunpowder and maybe a tank are all you really need to keep the peace.

Oh, and donít forget to take plenty of pictures while youíre away. You know, for the memories and to use as an alibi later on if you need to.

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Here's Me And My BMW Family
Oh, hello there. I just returned from the most wonderful trip up to the lake. Everyone was there.Ö

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Do Dispose Of Offensive Items With Fire
What do the plebs do when they come across something that upsets them? They either leave it be or they throw it away, depending on how large it is. But how can you truly guarantee something is gone for good if you donít just destroy it utterly? Iím talking total annihilation. Iím talking fire.

Remember that white Lamborghini Countach I saw at an auction? The one that had the cheap 14k gold inside it? It was a crime against humanity and I needed it gone. So, I poured gasoline all over it and lit it on fire. It was the only way I could really make sure that this thing would be eradicated for good. It was a public service. Youíre welcome.

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I Am Morally Offended By This Gold-Plated Lamborghini Countach Interior
RM Sothebyís Villa Erba auction: my favorite time of year. Beautiful weather, Italian food,Ö

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But! Fire isnít just good for disposing of things, either. In a pinch, itís great for sending a message. No, not smoke signals.

If, for example, some boutique British automaker pisses you off because it canít, oh, I donít know, build a car out of diamond for you, then it is perfectly reasonable to set one of its yachts on fire and send the news coverage over to them.

Theyíll respond almost immediately by inviting you to move into the shiny, new high rise apartment building that they just built in Miami. Penthouse.

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Aston Martin Is Trying To Win Back My Love With A Luxury High Rise
A few months ago, Aston Martin and I got into a little tiff. I didnít tell you about it because IÖ

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See? Fire is is even great for sealing excellent real estate deals.

Do Collect As Much Military Equipment As Possible
Because we live in this world and because things are the way they are, thereís an abundance of military equipment to be found at almost all corners. Should it stay where it is, undisturbed and rusting? Definitely not!

Buy that shit. Buy it all.

Itís super practical, too. If you need a ride to the Pebble Beach Concours díElegance next year, have your people call my people. Itís way better than showing up in something pedestrian, like a Ferrari.

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I Got Thrown Out Of The Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance, Again
Ah, the Pebble Beach Concours díElegance in California. Big hats, fake smiles, astronomical yearlyÖ

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But perhaps the best usage for military equipment is restoring order and balance to your province. (When you own the most of it, you get to decide what ďorderĒ and ďbalanceĒ mean for everyone else. Itís great.)

Nothing breaks up a rally or a riot faster than a tank rolling down Main Street. Keeps the local population in order, you know? Uppity locals never did anyone any good.

Yes, sometimes you have to flatten a playground or threaten an airstrike, but at least it helps you establish dominance. Which is everything in this world, my friend.

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I Just Won $759 Million! What Cars Should I Buy?
Welcome to a special edition of What Car Should You Buy! Yesterday, Jalopnik was fortunate enoughÖ

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And last but not least:

Do Not Overspend
Unfortunately, this happens to all of us. We get carried away by all the parties, trampling over the locals and tasting the caviar... and we overspend.

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Making $50 Million A Year Can Still Feel Average
As I was thumbing through the internet while enjoying my daily rosewater soak in my gilded,Ö

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Itís not a huge deal, but it is inconvenient when you reach into your account for that piece of new beachfront property only to find that you accidentally bought a castle on a drunken dare the week before. When that happens, itís like, ďUgh, you mean I have to move some assets around?Ē Exhausting.

To combat this, itís helpful to maintain a budget and keep costs down in places that you wouldnít want your money to go, anyway. Like to charities. Or the government.

IíM KIDDING! Do you honestly think people like me actually run out of money? Hahahaha. Adorable.

https://jalopnik.com/a-year-in-class-warfare-with-fancy-kristen-1821329638
Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:15 pm View user's profile Find all posts by shadow777 Send private message Send e-mail
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